Amazingly, I'm Still Alive

After a lapse in posts, i'm trying to get motivated to write. So much has happened, every time i think to write, i don't know where to begin. So, for today i'm saying:

Happy Halloween!!

i dressed up as a football player, Matt's an old man...boy, let me just say it's sexy...and Nehem's a giraffe! i must admit he's the cutest giraffe ever. of course.

Because i haven't a clue how to delve into our current life stats and circumstances...i'm going with a Thankful Friday list. With that, here are just a drop in the bucket of things for which i am thankful:

• Halloween neighborhood parties
• apple cider
• Demo's
• Raz'z(wow, sounds like i enjoy my food)
• multicolored leaves in the fall
• Titans 7-0!!!!
• a good husband who is also a good daddy
• medicine for snot
• chilly fall air to open the windows
• sarcasm
• pumpkins and jack-o-lanterns
• hearing my two year old say the previous listed items
• hearing my two year old say just about anything
• being surprised by God
• books that cause pondering
• pumpkin patches
• learning to love a post baby body
• beautiful friends
• an extra hour of sleep Saturday night
• Halloween candy
• watching children worship on Saturday nights
• two year old singing in the back seat of the car...Old McDonald all the way home
• relaxed work environments
• God's plan being revealed in my life
• an election season that is finally, finally almost OVER!!

Monsters Live in My Front Yard

Last night, well, evening, i guess, Matt and I ventured out front to hook up Nehem's brand new highway to fun...an Elmo sprinkler. We got it all hooked up, striped the boy, and commenced the funness. Nehem was rather enthusiastic about this form of entertainment. He'd run excitedly around the outside of the 'water zone' and when the wind would blow some water spray his direction, he'd let out a little shriek and skedattle away. Finally, he warmed up to it a bit, and would go stand in the 'rain', get a chill and giggle out. He even got brave enough to walk up to the stream of water, turn his head and put his 'herr' in it. Herr would be Nehem for hair. He would then proceed to dart off, clapping and saying, 'Yay!!" It was rather enjoyable, until...

Matt was standing closer to the edge of the drive way and exclaimed something like, 'Kill IT!!'

I directed my attention to what he was speaking of, and to my horror discovered...an ant. And not just an ant, mind you, nope, it was the size of my foot. Really. Now i've seen red, furry, velvety ants before, but nothing this big. Ever. I, being the only one with shoes on, proceeded to walk towards it, then decided that this might not end as intended. I had images rushing before my eyes something akin to my walking up to said beast, lifting my foot high to avoid knocking into it before i came down for the kill, missing in some tragic misstep and it grabing my foot and knawing off my toes, one by one...then, i mustered up some courage, stepped down, lifted, and would you believe, it kept walking like nothing had even touched it. AAK! I stomped, repeatedly and the thing just would not die! All I can think of is that my child will surely come over thinking this looks fun, attempt to touch it and he will die a horrible death! Finally, per my husband's cool and collected direction, i placed my hoof over this indestructible thing, and twisted it into the concrete with all i had. It was pretty much nonexistant after that. I think there was maybe a leg or two left, but the rest was ground down to unidentifiable. Yikes.

So, as you can imagine, when the second one appeared, I had visions of red-orange faces, sitting in the grass at the edge of the pavement, waiting for the opportune moment to pounce on my nearly two year old and have a fine feast. But, alas, we only had the two visitors that had and unfortunate demise(for them at least).

And just so you know, Wikipedia said they are not ants at all, but female bugs in the wasp family, known for their painful sting. And their name...cow ants, also known as...this is good...cow KILLERS. I'm serious...because by the look of them, you'd think them capable of taking down a cow!

He Thinks He's Getting Old...

Today is Matt's 27th birthday! And last night he was a little less than perky, which of course made me start asking what was wrong and trying to read his mind, which he absolutely loves for me to do. Really, just ask him. He'll tell you.

Anyway, he mentioned something about being old when I brought up his birthday. I can't wait to see how old he feels when he really is old. It should be a lot of fun.

And here comes the point of this entry:

Happy Birthday, Baby!!
I love you and can't possibly tell you how blessed Nehem is to have you as his daddy, and I am to be your wife. Thank you for being you and allowing God to work in your life and grow you into what He has in mind. I've enjoyed seeing God's work in you and can't wait to see what else He has in store. Try not to be too bummed about being another year older, and enjoy 'Matt Reed Day'!!!

From My Utmost for His Highest:

Fretting means getting ourselves "out of joint" mentally or spiritually.
It is one thing to say, "Do not fret,"
but something very different to have such a nature
that you find yourself unable to fret.
It’s easy to say, "Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him"
( Psalm 37:7 )
until our own little world is turned upside down
and we are forced to live in confusion and agony like so many other people.
Is it possible to "rest in the Lord" then?
If this "Do not" doesn’t work there, then it will not work anywhere.
This "Do not" must work during our days of difficulty and uncertainty,
as well as our peaceful days, or it will never work.
And if it will not work in your particular case,
it will not work for anyone else.
Resting in the Lord is not dependent on your external circumstances at all,
but on your relationship with God Himself.
Worrying always results in sin.
We tend to think that a little anxiety and worry
are simply an indication of how wise we really are,
yet it is actually a much better indication of just how wicked we are.
Fretting rises from our determination to have our own way.
Our Lord never worried and was never anxious,
because His purpose was never to accomplish His own plans
but to fulfill God’s plans.
Fretting is wickedness for a child of God.
Have you been propping up that foolish soul of yours
with the idea that your circumstances are too much for God to handle?
Set all your opinions and speculations aside and "abide under the shadow of the Almighty"
( Psalm 91:1 ).
Deliberately tell God that you will not fret about whatever concerns you.
All our fretting and worrying is caused by planning without God.

During the confusion i referred to in the previous post, i would often tell myself that that's what i was doing...letting God control, His will, not mine, but i think i was still feeling the fretfullness...and was just burying it, and me. The light is improving my view. He's showing me things about myself i'd forgotten, and encouraging me to bring it back out. Me, as He made me, and as He's making me.

This is One of Those You Were Warned About in the Page Description Located at the Top

Being indecisive by nature does little to help me figure out who i am. i am a dreamer...overwhelmed by the possibilities of what i see and paralyzed, unsure of how/where to go.

I have been sure of some things in my life...following Christ-it's good as an indecisive person to let the creator of the universe and therefore my life to be in charge, also, i was sure of marrying Matt, even if it's been painful at times...those are two of the biggest things that have shaped where i find myself at this moment. And until a couple of weeks ago, i was so confused about where i am and where i'm going and wht it looks like, and oh(!!!) did I miss any turns along the way?!?!?!? Because where i'm supposed to be shouldn't feel like this. Every direction i look is blurry and all i can see are endless days wasting away to a mindless lump in my cube. i am a creative, loving, intelligent being!! I was meant for more than this!!!

One night blabbing this to the dark bedroom and my husband, he rolled over and said,"Maybe this is where you're supposed to be. And this is what you have to do now to do do more later." Isn't he smart? So, i had to mull over that one for a bit. Already knowing it, but being discontent with my circumstances.

One fine example of my indecisive nature is evident in my not finishing school. I had my free ride and couldn't make up my mind which way to go. i managed to change majors no less than 4 times in 1 1/2 years. seriously. So after my enlightenment that Matt was the one i was to marry, i 'took a break' that's lasted now since January 2001. if i went back today, i still don't know what i'd major in. (it bothers me that i just ended a sentence with a preposition, but i'm feeling devilish and will let it remain)

Over this time i've managed to lose myself. i was a bit of an accumulation of nervous energy at home and really just in general...unsure of how to just be...me. Trying to be for everone and then probably not even so well, just mainly in a suppressed state of existance. My poor husband! But something's a changin' around here. and i like what i'm beginning to see and scared i'm going to slip back to what i've been.

It's like i've got a whole new pair of eyes. Like i've got the idea that i should focus on doing one thing well, that's sitting that the feet of Jesus, and i'm watching myself come alive.

I've always loved my husband, but it's getting louder in my heart again. And i'm scared he doesn't even know, because i'm still working out displaying it. i feel like a little kid.

It's probably been 10 years, but back then i wasn't much on wasting time being self-conscious, well, in the way that keeps you from being you...and i think i'm getting back there...i forgot how good it feels.

Church is getting down-right exciting. Matt and i are starting a class of couples aged 25-35ish and my brain is blasting all the things we acan talk about and discover and put into action...Heaven on Earth, marriage and sex and the relationship of couples being the picture of Jesus and the church, and the different light that makes me see us in, and how to be His hands and feet together. i'm so excited to be doing this with Matt.

And watching Matt with Nehem...it's got to be my fovorite thing to do.

It's been a little dark in here, but i'm seeing some light peeking in. (again with the preposition at the end!)

It's different the second time around...

When i was in the 3rd grade, i had a realization...I didn't want to spend eternity in hell, I'd prefer Heaven, thanks. So, i was baptized. I didn't have a specific moment in time that i realized Jesus was the Son of God, I've always believed that was true and i tried to be a good girl because that's what God wants, but i figured i needed to get this bit of business taken care of so i wouldn't burn in the hellfire.

Over time, i, like everyone else, would mess up, and for years i'd deal with the guilt from those times and would have the feeling that i'd taken my eyes off God, messed up and in the desire to be in His good graces, needed to be baptized again. In the instant that my focus was off God, I'd lost my salvation. So, every day i lived in fear taht i'd messed up some way, perhaps not even knowing, and despite my growing love for God, was going to lose my salvation and go to hell anyways, because i surely didn't even know all the ways i'd fallen short of the perfection needed to get to heaven.

But now, I know different.

Now, i know my God is bigger than that. It's nothing i do that earns my salvation, otherwise Jesus wouldn't have had to pay that price. It's only by His grace that i live in Him, and will continue to live forever. It's not my grasp on Him that is going to get me there, it's His firm hold on me.

I stopped questioning my salvation about 3 1/2 years ago. I prayed to God, finally realizing that He was the only reason I had a hope to spend eternity in Heaven, that I couldn't deal with second guessing my place anymore. All i could offer Him was all of me. I asked for a peace undoubtedly from Him as reassurance that I was held firmly in His hand and wouldn't be lost. The peace I got was more perfect than i thought possible.

Since then my desires for God have changed. I dont' want to go to Heaven just so i don't burn in Hell. I want to go to Heaven now, because i just want to be in His presence forever and ever and ever. I want to open up the eyes of a world in desperate need of restoration and anticipate the time Heaven is unleashed.

I can't quite decide if that moment 3 1/2 years ago was when i finally got it...if recognizing the full grace of God sealed the deal, or if instead, it was just my growing more in Him. I knew it was by grace from God that i could be saved prior to that moment, but i guess when you've lived a little longer thant a 3rd grader and made some mistakes, and gone through periods you felt you had no live left in you and were surely dead, you learn better what grace is, because then you know you need it.

Tonight, I'm getting baptized, again.

It may be to make sure my baptizm is on the right side of my salvation, or because the realizations i've had helps me better understand God, and it's my proclaimation to the world that i no longer live, but He who lives in me. It means something more to me now, and I know it can only increase my joy found only in HIM.

The first time my Dad did it. I never want to forget that day.

This time, Matt's going to do it. It will be one of our best memories to keep for always.

More on Emotions

It's so easy to trust our emotions and we take what we feel as 'truth'.

I question God's closeness to me when I'm not 'feeling' it. I'm less prone to rush to worship, I lose track of prayer and time spent in His presence.

In relationships, emotions cause all sorts of suffering because we become complacent and boring then we wonder why it's not exciting and because we don't 'feel' that way, we assume it's lost, doomed, perhaps even over.

That's why knowing God is what matters. Knowing He's there and He is loyal and He is perfect, knowing our needs better than we can know. That knowledge puts my mind back in control and my emotions follow suit...and the worship that happens because that's what I 'do' as a child of God becomes my desire and longing.

I think it's the same for our relationships here. Love and commitment have to be a choice, a conscious decision, so when the fun and excitement dwindles away, you go through the motions and emotions begin to awaken.

It scares me(even more now as a mom) that our society is so set on what makes us happy now. Instant gratification...I think that's why we're all so lost sometimes, some more often than others. We're too short sighted to see what's real, put value in it and trust God at the center to make it last forever.

So, we're emotional creatures, God-made as such, but I can't let my emotions control me, to spin my wheels and run my life.

Isaiah 55:8-9
"My thoughts are completely different from yours," says the Lord. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

Not only can I not trust my emotions...my knowledge is so far short of the One in ultimate control, all I want to do is give it all to Him, keep my eyes fixed on Him and know that He's going to take care of me.

As I Promised

Now that enough time has passed that I probably have forgotten enough information about what actually took place in Atlanta, I'll fill you in on what remains in my head.

Friday afternoon, Andrew and Ashley(old friends now living in west-ish Tennessee) came to load us and our pile of 'packed' stuff into their car and off we went! To my delight, my child had not gotten a nap that day, he, instead, played in his bed at his grandma's for two hours and refused to sleep. I was anxiously awaiting the inevitable nuclear meltdown at any point, but he amazed me and did qute well, watching movies and 'reading' his books, while flying an airplane or two.

Let me not forget to mention we apparently angered a truck driver on the way down...he got on our bumper, flashed his lights, mind you in the middle of construction when we had no where to go, and honked a few times...over about a 45 period of time. We got his info, I hope someone informs him he was mean!

Our hotel suite was a two bedroom/1 bath and common area that had a broken a/c. Yay!!! The window unit in our room had ice prodruding from all openings when we arrived, so the whole party of 5 piled in our room to watch the big boys chizzle and blow dry the a/c unit. We got a new room the next day. Nehem jumped around on the bed, lurched forward and banged his head on the headboard. There were tears. Thus completes night one.

Saturday morning we woke up and prepared ourselves for the Aquarium. Fun!!! Nehem loved all the fish, especailly the gargantuan whales in the big tank visible from a tunnel running through. I got a couple good shots of Nehem and Matt together staring up in wonder and amazement. I'll get them posted here eventually. Every time we'd stop and look at something, he'd look and giggle, then when it was time to walk to the next thing, he had to wave and proclaim, "BYE!!" I thought that was cute. They had several touch tanks and I almost got him to touch a giant shrimp. He'd start to stick his hand in the water, get his arm partly in, then decide the shrimp seemed a little too strange to touch, and he'd start splashing.

Next came the Coke Factory. It was pretty neat. If you ever go, you must try this one particular beverage that I can't remeber the name of at this time, maybe it was Beverley or something, but it was simply horrendous. I got a shirt made of recycled coke bottles...fun!

After dinner we went back to the hotel, settled into our new, cool rooms and went for a swim. Being the overly anxious packer I was for this trip, I managed to forget Nehem's swimmy diapers...so after a few minutes in the pool, he kept wondering what was going on with his nether regions and walked like he'd ridden a horse all day. It was hysterical. He had great Daddy-time, too, bouncing around the pool together, playing with a ball and blowing bubbles. End day two.

Sunday morning we were up early to get to Six Flags, only to realize the park didn't open for another hour after arrival. Good! After admittance to the park we quickly hopped on some of the big rides while Nehem was happily watching everything from the comfort of his stroller. Andrew, Emily(Ashley's sister who is at school in GA) and I rode Goliath. It's supposed to be the fastest, biggest roller coaster blah, blah, blah. All I can say is I screamed for two minutes straight through the whole thing and have never enjoyed a roller coaster more. After a few other big rides we braved the land of Kiddie rides and Nehem had an absolute blast. I can't wait till he's big enough to get on roller coasters...we will surely have some mother/son bonding!

That night, laying in his bed, Nehem kept saying, "home, home, home." I think he was ready. And after an uneventful ride home on Monday, we were all beat!

How fun

I just realized it's Friday the 13th. I feel like we should rent scary movies and be scared.

I'll return to stories soon...

But, until then, i need to stop and talk about last night.

For mother's day this year, Matt made me a DVD of pics and video clips from Nehem's first week out of the womb, complete with tear inducing images from his NICU stay to some of my favorite music. AND, tickets to see Brooke Fraser at 3rd and Lindsley. The concert was last night, and it may have been the best i've ever seen. She may be my favorite artist and her music has so much to do with God, comfort in Christ and our responsibility as His people to be His hands and feet to a world in desperate need for restoration. Her music/lyrics are quite thought inducing, and so this is what i'm thinking about today, after a wonderful night with my husband and a couple of close friends...

We are horribly emotionally driven people aren't we?! In particular, for me right this second in my life, i find myself at an odd place. Matt's in transition out of an area of ministry and working in a 'secular' position that isn't really secular at all, because i've determined everything is spiritual, but, i digress. We're transitioning to a new church family at New Vision, and i'm overwhelmed with newness, yet excited for what God has in store, yet apprehensive because i don't have a clue what that looks like, but i'm trusting He knows every detail, and trying to remind myself put my faith in Him to orchestrate it all, as He will anyway...i'm usually pretty even keeled, and it takes alot to rock me, and i'm a little anxious, and i find i don't particularly care for it. i'm sure i should be praying more.

So, in finding myself here, after i have a little spurt of nervous energy or whatever, i begin to notice...way too late...that i'm not feeling God and his undeniable presence all that much. And i believe there are times when i, because i'm in this flesh, separated from His full presence that i can't wait to experience in eternity, there will be times i'm not going to 'feel' it so much. But that doesn't mean i shouldn't seek His face, and i find my desire for Him grows more and leads me in search. And that makes me realize the shallowness of these emotions i'm so driven by. Because what i feel, alone and questioning, isn't what i know is true...that He is always here, and i'm in His grasp. Ahhh.

So, to complete my rambling circle, perhaps my favorite song by Brooke Fraser is as follows:

Faithful

There's distance in the air and i cannot make it leave
I wave my arms round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though i know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for

[chorus]
When i can't feel you, i have learned to reach out just the same
When i can't hear you, i know you still hear every word i pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as i wait for you, maybe i'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though i know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue
Knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

[chorus]

[bridge]
Show me how i should live this
Show me how i should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all i want
You are all i want


I told Matt he may never be able to top this year's mother's day present.

Whew!

Well, we made it...4 adults and a 21 month old packed for a few days in an Armada and headed out for adventures partially known. We played and drove and shopped and rode roller coasters and discovered how hot it is in Atlanta in June and have now returned home for recovery that is sure to take at least a few days.

I'll add more later for stories and details, but for now I'll wonder aloud here...just why do American's not vacation or go on holiday like the rest of the world does it??? My vacation=3 1/2 days, our European counterparts vacation=about a month.

I mean, really.

Let's get this thing going...

I've never attempted to blog like a regular blogger. I'm not sure how this will go, considering i can't even keep a journal going for more than two days at a time. So, a couple things to get us going...

My husband and I are taking our 21 month old to Six Flags over Georgia this weekend. I'm sure there will be stories. Right now i'm mainly concerned with the 95 degree projected temp for tomorrow and being a burden on our friends with whom we are adventuring. Stay tuned for developments on that...

Now for a silly pointless story displaying my silliness. This past weekend the husband was out of town on business, so the boy and I meandered to Target for some Sunday afternoon fun. We were puttering through not really with an agenda. He was mumbling words as he does often for typical toddler enjoyment. He was saying, "momma, momma, momma," and grinning at me in all of his cuteness. I said back to him, "Nehem." That is his name...short for Nehemiah. He looked up at me, with all the determination he could muster and said ever so clearly, "Neeeuuuummm." I was the crazy momma in the middle of the store clapping and telling him was a fine boy he was for saying his name for the very first time, perfectly of course. People stared.