Being indecisive by nature does little to help me figure out who i am. i am a dreamer...overwhelmed by the possibilities of what i see and paralyzed, unsure of how/where to go.
I have been sure of some things in my life...following Christ-it's good as an indecisive person to let the creator of the universe and therefore my life to be in charge, also, i was sure of marrying Matt, even if it's been painful at times...those are two of the biggest things that have shaped where i find myself at this moment. And until a couple of weeks ago, i was so confused about where i am and where i'm going and wht it looks like, and oh(!!!) did I miss any turns along the way?!?!?!? Because where i'm supposed to be shouldn't feel like this. Every direction i look is blurry and all i can see are endless days wasting away to a mindless lump in my cube. i am a creative, loving, intelligent being!! I was meant for more than this!!!
One night blabbing this to the dark bedroom and my husband, he rolled over and said,"Maybe this is where you're supposed to be. And this is what you have to do now to do do more later." Isn't he smart? So, i had to mull over that one for a bit. Already knowing it, but being discontent with my circumstances.
One fine example of my indecisive nature is evident in my not finishing school. I had my free ride and couldn't make up my mind which way to go. i managed to change majors no less than 4 times in 1 1/2 years. seriously. So after my enlightenment that Matt was the one i was to marry, i 'took a break' that's lasted now since January 2001. if i went back today, i still don't know what i'd major in. (it bothers me that i just ended a sentence with a preposition, but i'm feeling devilish and will let it remain)
Over this time i've managed to lose myself. i was a bit of an accumulation of nervous energy at home and really just in general...unsure of how to just be...me. Trying to be for everone and then probably not even so well, just mainly in a suppressed state of existance. My poor husband! But something's a changin' around here. and i like what i'm beginning to see and scared i'm going to slip back to what i've been.
It's like i've got a whole new pair of eyes. Like i've got the idea that i should focus on doing one thing well, that's sitting that the feet of Jesus, and i'm watching myself come alive.
I've always loved my husband, but it's getting louder in my heart again. And i'm scared he doesn't even know, because i'm still working out displaying it. i feel like a little kid.
It's probably been 10 years, but back then i wasn't much on wasting time being self-conscious, well, in the way that keeps you from being you...and i think i'm getting back there...i forgot how good it feels.
Church is getting down-right exciting. Matt and i are starting a class of couples aged 25-35ish and my brain is blasting all the things we acan talk about and discover and put into action...Heaven on Earth, marriage and sex and the relationship of couples being the picture of Jesus and the church, and the different light that makes me see us in, and how to be His hands and feet together. i'm so excited to be doing this with Matt.
And watching Matt with Nehem...it's got to be my fovorite thing to do.
It's been a little dark in here, but i'm seeing some light peeking in. (again with the preposition at the end!)
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