It's different the second time around...

When i was in the 3rd grade, i had a realization...I didn't want to spend eternity in hell, I'd prefer Heaven, thanks. So, i was baptized. I didn't have a specific moment in time that i realized Jesus was the Son of God, I've always believed that was true and i tried to be a good girl because that's what God wants, but i figured i needed to get this bit of business taken care of so i wouldn't burn in the hellfire.

Over time, i, like everyone else, would mess up, and for years i'd deal with the guilt from those times and would have the feeling that i'd taken my eyes off God, messed up and in the desire to be in His good graces, needed to be baptized again. In the instant that my focus was off God, I'd lost my salvation. So, every day i lived in fear taht i'd messed up some way, perhaps not even knowing, and despite my growing love for God, was going to lose my salvation and go to hell anyways, because i surely didn't even know all the ways i'd fallen short of the perfection needed to get to heaven.

But now, I know different.

Now, i know my God is bigger than that. It's nothing i do that earns my salvation, otherwise Jesus wouldn't have had to pay that price. It's only by His grace that i live in Him, and will continue to live forever. It's not my grasp on Him that is going to get me there, it's His firm hold on me.

I stopped questioning my salvation about 3 1/2 years ago. I prayed to God, finally realizing that He was the only reason I had a hope to spend eternity in Heaven, that I couldn't deal with second guessing my place anymore. All i could offer Him was all of me. I asked for a peace undoubtedly from Him as reassurance that I was held firmly in His hand and wouldn't be lost. The peace I got was more perfect than i thought possible.

Since then my desires for God have changed. I dont' want to go to Heaven just so i don't burn in Hell. I want to go to Heaven now, because i just want to be in His presence forever and ever and ever. I want to open up the eyes of a world in desperate need of restoration and anticipate the time Heaven is unleashed.

I can't quite decide if that moment 3 1/2 years ago was when i finally got it...if recognizing the full grace of God sealed the deal, or if instead, it was just my growing more in Him. I knew it was by grace from God that i could be saved prior to that moment, but i guess when you've lived a little longer thant a 3rd grader and made some mistakes, and gone through periods you felt you had no live left in you and were surely dead, you learn better what grace is, because then you know you need it.

Tonight, I'm getting baptized, again.

It may be to make sure my baptizm is on the right side of my salvation, or because the realizations i've had helps me better understand God, and it's my proclaimation to the world that i no longer live, but He who lives in me. It means something more to me now, and I know it can only increase my joy found only in HIM.

The first time my Dad did it. I never want to forget that day.

This time, Matt's going to do it. It will be one of our best memories to keep for always.