Eight and a Half Years In...

I was disillusioned by what i thought love, marriage, sex was all about. And was lost, mad, hurt, angry, continue with the descriptive words, when i thought it had been missed or lost or taken away by our circumstances or whatever 'it' was that was keeping us from what i thought all this was supposed to look like.

I kept trying. I kept pushing. I kept forcing. I kept seeking. I kept controlling. I kept waiting to be loved. I was waiting for Matt to fulfill me, to be the movie star husband in the Oscar winning roll to hold me right, say it right, do it all right, so i could respond...right. And then I'd know how to be happy. I was seeking an illusion.

One of the biggest differences in how God paints marriage and how our culture paints it, is this: culture says marriage is to make us happy, God says its to make us holy. Our culture wants us to believe a healthy marriage consists of toe curling sex, every night, or maybe more...blissful walks in fields of flowers, maybe a dark cloud here or there that the happy couple grasps each other's hand and blink through and its over. That doesn't exist, and Matt is not capable of making me happy like that. He is only human. And I finally decided(not on my own, of course, God had to yell and hold up flashing signs) there is nothing I can do to guarantee a fulfilling marriage with my husband...
besides choosing to follow God's will for my marriage.

God said, "Do you love me? Then follow..."

And i did...often failing, i set out to honor Matt, even when he hadn't earned it. Is that how i can be more like Jesus? Isn't that the point here? I get so much from God--unearned. Learning to give to Matt in that way honors him and honors God. I glorify my savior when i submit to my husband. Ha---submit---after trying for so long to do everything but submit...inadvertently, of course.

At first, i thought it would leave me empty. I thought I wouldn't be getting anything from him, and i'll just be left. I thought, you know, the honoring God part would be good adn all, maybe He'll show me how to be happy honoring Matt, but i'd just be left...a doormat...but i was willing...without any promises from God of how i'd feel or what i'd get in return.

But something rather amazing has happened(shocking, i know), and I'm only now aware enough to begin putting it into words. When i stopped waiting for Matt to go first, when i stopped using a checklist to tell me when it was 'right' and i could be happy only after each item had been checked off(those items coming from a culture that told me what a marriage should consist of to elicit happiness), I found God filling me up with something so much better than fleeting, contrived happiness. I'm finding unspeakable peace. There's lasting joy and satisfaction in my far from perfect marriage that God wants to perfect.

I'm taking the burden off Matt to meet my unattainable goal to be fulfilled by another human being, and that doesn't leave me empty or unhappy, but freer and happier than ever. I'm not waiting for my feeling to lead me to love him, i decide to love him. and the feelings...they do come...overwhelmingly.

And it's all GOD. Spouses putting each other first isn't all it takes to heal a marriage. It's God, every single day.